I have a lot of girlfriends wanting to hear what’s going on in church or at women’s gatherings that I have invited them to and I am probably the worst person to relay the messages because I receive them differently than others might or get the message differently than  the pastor says it. But currently the series we are in is my absolute favorite so I am going to talk about it in an unorganized messy fashion because my thoughts are always all over the place. (apologies in advance)

I have been receiving so much of God’s love and grace through this series. My ears are understanding what is spoken over me, my eyes are seeing whats being shown in front of me, and my heart is yearning for more of it!

I am so flawed in my character. I get jealous, bitter, selfish, angry, sad. I am not always happy and optimistic. I am real and all of my feelings are real and I do not usually feel ashamed to speak of my real feelings to friends, but when I have to say them to God I feel ashamed but I have been learning that we do not grow from sitting on a log with no emotion. We grow from experience. Nobody will escape hardship. We all will suffer some sort of pain but we can grow from that. It was said yesterday at the gathering that through hardship we can come to know God as something that we didn’t know him as before. You might know him as protector, but not as comforter. You might know him as strength, but not restorer, but through different situations we can know him as something more than we did before.

Yesterday I was forced to admit something to myself on the way home from a women’s gathering and I felt ashamed to say this out loud but I had to say it…I don’t trust God. I really don’t. I love God, I constantly want more of his presence and I have been actively searching for that since 2011. At times I feel so strong in my faith, and at other times I feel weak. I am like a roller coaster. But the weak moments always reveal to me the strength that I have to keep going and keep believing that God does has a plan.

But do I trust him? I pray that he will move something in my life, but, I don’t fully trust that HE WILL. When he does I always think Hallelujah he did it again! I knew he would! However, the entire time I don’t see the movement happening I am an anxious mess trying to take things into my own hands when I know that I don’t have the ultimate control.

What is even worse is that I like to trust him with things that aren’t life defying things, but when it comes to my living life I don’t trust in him. I am fearful. I have always wanted to go on a missions trip but I have also been so afraid to do so. Like, as if I won’t come back to my kids who need me. THAT IS SOME SERIOUS DISTRUST.

I felt so sad, saying that and honestly so embarrassed. Just being honest with that made me feel so sad, but opening up about it also let me feel that comfort.  If Taytum were to tell me she doesn’t trust that I’ll protect her, and that I will love her, and I will keep her safe I would be heartbroken..I would cry with her and my heart would hurt and reassure her like I will be there for you I will protect you and I feel like God does feel the same way! He is swooping me up into his arms and saying I will protect you and I’ll just have to trust those words.

Isn’t it interesting though that we can trust in someone else around us who is flawed in character, who can lie and deceive us.(not that you shouldn’t trust in people around you..I trust a lot of people)..but we hesitate to trust someone like God. Someone so big. Someone who made the ultimate sacrifice for us because he loved us that much! Much in the same way that we protect our children, he protects his as well.

Psalm 20:7 “Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.”

I don’t suddenly think okay I trust him with my life but the more I sit in his presence the more trust I build with him. The more I read his word, the more I believe what is spoken to me.

Revelation 21:5 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Trust really lays the foundation of any relationship so today I have really sat and thought about trusting and relationships built on trust with complete vulnerability and when you trust someone it is like taking a weight off your shoulders and having some comfort in knowing that when you fall someone will be there to catch you.