Yes, I count each day that I successfully breastfeed my sweet boy. (Bexley’s birth story to come soon)

Each day has presented me with challenges to overcome. I have NEVER appreciated the breastfeeding woman as much as I do now. HOLY COW it is so hard and for so many different reasons. Here is my story thus far.

Major issues I have found and am overcoming in my journey.

Overactive letdown. What is it? Basically while everyone has cheap squirt guns, I have the super soaker. When my milk lets down about 30 seconds into feeding Bexley my milk just lets loose choking Bexley, causing him to throw up frequently , pull off and on crying, and leaving him only temporarily full so feedings are frequent but not always satisfying. Not to mention after feeding we are both covered in milk.
*Tip I received that seem to help are leaning back as far as I can while nursing on the overactive side.

Nursing in public. After two weeks of nursing Bexley and spending 99% of my day at home, I had cabin fever and needed out. I ventured out to the Village for a lunch date at Kona Grill. The second I ordered food it was nursing time. As soon as I had to feed the baby in public my palms were sweaty and my anxiety was high. I scanned the area for men, kids, or ladies who might be watching me and might be uncomfortable by me breastfeeding.I spent 30 minutes in the bathroom hiding in a stall trying to nurse because I forgot a nursing cover and came back out to a cold meal. This was the first time, but it happens on repeat when I am in public settings like the mall or a restaurant.
*Ventured back out to the Village yesterday and brought a nursing cover from HNYBABY and made it happen! Fed at the table, and fed while walking to the car. Sweating and nervous, but doing it! I posted the link below to the cover I used. I love the print and the feel of the fabric. Super light, stretchy, and breathable for baby and I.
https://www.hnybaby.com/product/multi-use-cover-spring/

Time consumption. All of my time is consumed with breastfeeding. I have two other children who need me. I feel like I can’t take care of them because each time they need something my hands are tied up with nursing and I nurse all the time. I feel inadequate as a mom for the other two and with a husband who works nights I play single mom 24/7. It’s exhausting and frustrating. We all shed tears over the lack of support I can provide…but I know this is temporary.
*Bexley only has a few reliable feed times at this point so thankfully bedtime usually works as planned and I can lay with Benson to give him some extra 1:1 and Tay is old enough to stay up a little later and get some attention after the other two are asleep.

What Bond? This is hard to talk about because everyone takes it the wrong way to me but when I talk about breastfeeding being hard, the response is how amazing it is. The special bond that is being created that is unlike any other. Here is my truth and objection to that… I did not breastfeed Benson or Taytum and the bond I had with them, and still do is amazing, is close, is special and unique in it’s own way. I honestly feel like I spent more time with them in the beginning just holding them and staring at them, cooing at them, etc. then I do with Bexley. I have Bexley in my arms ALL day, but because I am feeding him. The second he is done eating and is fast asleep (my best sleeper yet!) I lay him down and attempt to get things done. I do everything in 1 hour increments..clean the house, feed baby, feed the kids, feed baby, shower and get dressed, feed baby. The cycle is vicious. I can’t wait for someone else to want to love on the baby and even hold him as he sleeps so that I can run around the house like a crazy person getting everything that has to be done in a day done. I LOVE BEXLEY. I love staring at this precious baby that I prayed about, and tried for. My only planned baby. I love him. I want to stare at him, hold him while he sleeps, coo at him, etc. but my whole day is already consumed with just feeding him. This will get better in time, he’ll eat faster and less frequent and the bond will be amazing, just like with my other two.

I don’t breastfeed for the bond. I had other reasons for breastfeeding this time around and I am SO proud of them. Proud that I grew a tiny human in my body for nine months, and proud that my body can provide all the nourishment his body needs. I am proud that even through sore nipples, overactive letdown, poor attachment, MAJOR sleep deprivation, time consumption, anxiety and isolation..that I am overcoming. I overcome because I had the mindset that breastfeeding was the best option for him and that I wouldn’t give up. Here we are 28 days later and we are still here, still navigating through how to breastfeed in public, with two other babies, with issues I can’t control. I am grateful for the opportunity and I am so aware of everyone around me who makes it work for them. Fed is best, and moms are awesome.